It’s that time of the year when my wife goes on full bird alert. It normally starts in late February and early March with casual glances out the window and murmurs of, “They will be coming soon.” Those short glances turn to blank stares about mid-March until it finally happens.

One morning as I was deeply engrossed in a cup of hot chocolate, reading the Mirror and listening to FOX News on the TV, it happened. “They’re here! They’re here!,” my wife shouted as she burst into the kitchen.

Jumping upright, I spilled about half of the hot chocolate on the newspaper, but there still was enough left to land directly in my lap. I learned quickly that in a game of hot chocolate versus a pair of undershorts, the hot chocolate wins hands down. I immediately tried to remember the first aid steps for scalding the family jewels and the chances of recovery. My wife completely ignored my plight except to say, “Don’t drip on the floor. I just scrubbed it.”

The excitement centered on the fact that my wife had sighted the first pair of nesting Eastern Blue Birds of the year. Her Blue Bird houses were all set in place and cleaned out inside to be ready for their new occupants. “Now that they are here, I will have to start feeding them,” she said.

I must say that my wife has been successful in getting several pairs to nest over the past few years, often raising two broods of birds from each nest. Convincing them to stay involves making sure they have an abundance of food for themselves and their young. When it comes to my wife and bird food, she will go to any length to be successful, but I had no idea just how far that really was.

After I changed clothes and cleaned what appeared to be half the kitchen of splattered hot chocolate, I found her busy at the computer ordering mill worms. Mill worms are small worms about 1 to 1 inches in length. They are claimed to be one of the Blue Birds’ favorite foods. Of course, that is by people who sell mill worms. Actually, I think they eat them because they are free, and my wife keeps the feeders constantly filled with fresh squiggly worms so they are not hard to find.

“How many worms did you order?” I asked. My guess was she probably ordered 500 to 1,000. I had to catch my breath when she replied, “I rounded it off to an even 7,000. We get the best price point at that number, and I had them shipped overnight air freight with heat packets added. That will keep them warm in shipment until they get here so we won’t lose too many in transit.”

“You ordered 7,000 worms?” I stammered. “If the birds eat half of those worms, they won’t be able to fly or have sex, so there won’t be any baby birds to feed. As a matter of fact, if the adult birds can fly now, why didn’t we simply tell the birds where the worms were being shipped from and they could have flown to get them, saving us the air freight?”

I was pretty sure she did not hear a word I said as she handed me a note to buy bedding material for the worms at the feed store. I quickly learned the bedding required was a wheat bran that only came in a 25-pound bag. That would be enough to keep 7,000 worms alive for about 22 years. Of course, I had to add apple slices for moisture and Quaker Oats for a food supply.

Rounding off the cost of this project in my head, I figured I could have rented a room for the birds at a Holiday Inn, let them order room service and I still would have saved money. I sat down at the computer and typed in Blue Bird recipes. I figured I had so much money tied up in these birds, the only way to get any return was to eat them. They are pretty small, but at least mine would be fat.

Note: A special shout-out to the charming group of young ladies of the Bellwood Kosmos Club I had the pleasure of sharing lunch with recently. It is always nice to meet fans of my column who see the humor in life and the time we shared together was especially meaningful. God bless you all.

John Kasun writes from his home in Duncansville, where often the air is filled with the sound of happy Blue Birds and the screams of mill worms going to their death.