By Bill Contz

For the Mirror

Brittney Griner’s surprising release from Soviet captivity certainly gives special meaning to being home for the holidays.

Her reprieve from what was loosely described as “menial” (i.e., “excruciatingly painful and not at all enjoyable”) work detail in the otherwise temperate climate of scenic Siberia was welcome news given the ongoing havoc and destruction wreaked by her arresting domicile on its eastern neighbor.

The one-for-one swap for the notorious Viktor “Das” Bout — a nickname I prefer over the slightly more ominous “Merchant of Death” — is puzzling to say the least since it could go down as the most one-sided exchange since Dutch settlers acquired Manhattan for what amounted to Mardi Gras costume jewelry offered up to the island’s obviously distracted inhabitants back in 1626.

When the terms of the Griner deal were announced, I said to myself.

“That’s it? Even Steven? No prisoner to be named later? No future NHL draft prospects in the deal? Couldn’t Putin have sweetened the pot with a few cases of top shelf vodka or maybe an unpublished Tolstoy manuscript he had lying around?”

In this spirit of the season I’d like to offer assistance to our eventual national spokesperson for cannabis (once it’s legalized, of course) by helping her catch up on some of the key sports’ headlines she likely missed while detained in an animal cage.

And what better way to do that than with my rendition of the holiday classic “Deck The Halls”:

Deck the halls with random sports news

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Mindless rants on topics I choose

Fa la la la la, la la la la

n n

Prison over for fair young Brittney

Fa la la la la, la la la la

I suggest she scale Mount Nittany

Fa la la la la, la la la la

n n

Don her not prison apparel

Fa la LAH, Fa la LAH LAH La La

Steeler wins may save the season

Fa la la la la, la la la la

n n

Pickett’s hand size not the reason

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Soccer star’s pelvic contusion

Fa la la la la, la la la la

(Would’ve) Turned Ndamukong Suh into a Susan

Fa la la la la, la la la la

n n

Saban’s team saw role reversals

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Too many Aflac commercials

Fa la la la la, la la la la

n n

Jimbo’s Aggies kept on losing

Fa la la la la, la la la la

SEC foes found it amusing

Fa la la la la, la la la la

n n

Prime Time issues portal mandate

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Vows to make the Buffs again great

Fa la la la la, la la la la

n n

Herschel’s Senate race a battle

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Fate was sealed once ex’s tattled

Fa la la la la, la la la la

n n

High school NIL deals now legal

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Sophomores driving (brand new) Buick Regals

Fa la la la la, la la la la

n n

In Penn State’s backfield frosh are seen-a

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Should doom Utes in Pasadena

Fa la la la la, la la la la

n n

Happy Krimble to all and to all a good night!

Contz was a starting offensive tackle on Penn State’s first national championship team in 1982 and played six NFL seasons with New Orleans and Cleveland. He published a book in 2017, “When the Lions Roared: Joe Paterno and One of College Football’s Greatest Teams.” He resides in Pittsburgh.