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By Bill Contz
For the Mirror
Spider Tack is a sticky, wax-like substance invented by a powerlifter to enhance his grip on barbells loaded down with obscene amounts of iron prior to tossing them around.
Primitive versions of this goo can be traced back to classes taught by emeritus instructors Dr. Lester Hayes & Professor Fred Biletnikoff at the Oakland Raider Bay Institute of Technology (ORBIT).
Major League Baseball has now decreed that any pitcher demonstrating excessive spin rates has been discreetly deploying Spider Tack and is therefore subject to immediate public inspection, possible ejection and /or suspension.
One wonders if pitchers get their ideas from watching late night infomercials.
A.J. Burnett was rumored to have occasionally employed tacky substances.
Did Burnett have an epiphany after seeing the Krazy Glue guy dangling from a beam by his hard hat or watching Phil Swift paddle around in that dinghy with the flex-sealed screen door bottom?
Truth is we have no idea when pitchers began experimenting with things to affix to horsehide to perplex aggressive hitters. And they sometimes had help.
Yankee catcher Elston Howard admitted to using his shin buckle to scuff the ball before tossing it back to Whitey Ford.
Since current pitchers are now guilty before being proved innocent should we cast aspersion towards prior hurlers who say, previously posted ridiculously low earned run averages a la Bob Gibson back in 1968?
Should we also openly question stellar performances by journeymen like Don Larson's perfectamundo in the 1956 World Series?
Was he doctoring the ball that day?
Mets' manager Gil Hodges produced a ball with shoe polish on it during a pivotal moment in the '69 World Series, arguing that Oriole Dave McNally hit Cleon Jones in the foot with it.
Could the Baltimore ace have been hiding a mini-bottle of Kiwi Liquid Polish in his hat? Who knows?
Fortunately, I have four possible solutions to thwart this ongoing scourge on batting averages.
n A drone with small camera and zoom lens should hover above the pitcher and capture suspicious mound activity similar to the recording devices installed in casino ceilings designed to catch card cheats.
n Permit pitchers to use two doctored baseballs per inning with the caveat they must announce their intent to use one prior to the batter stepping into the box.
If the hitter fouls one off, then the ball is removed from play.
n Allow the home plate umpire, at their discretion, to deploy odor-sensitive canines trained specifically to detect banned substances.
n Require pitchers to wash their hands before every pitch. Since the average length of any baseball contest is already out of control, a few extra minutes in the interest of both added hygiene and fair play shouldn't bother fans all that much.
A new superhero could emerge from this mess.
I foresee EA Sports introducing 'SpiderTack Man' with gamers challenged to navigate a maze of abandoned press boxes, clubhouses or indoor batting cages looking to spritz sticky residue at villains hitting over .320 lurking in the shadows.
The bottom line is this: Any major sport requiring its main object to be thrown with a high degree of precision will always invite a degree of chicanery from the object's primary handler in a desperate attempt to maintain a solid grasp on said object.
Hell, Deflategate taught us that.
Contz was a starting offensive tackle on Penn State's first national championship team in 1982 and played six NFL seasons. He published a book in 2017, "When the Lions Roared: Joe Paterno and One of College Football's Greatest Teams." He resides in Pittsburgh.