Going out of the way to save the TP

The Sunday Column

How’s everybody doing right now? Hang in there. Try to find some humor, even in the smallest and most mundane, of things.

I have tried, and I have succeeded.

For those of you who have read this column in the past, and anointed my wife a saint, she has been especially saint-like during these trying times.

In fact, my belief is Mother Theresa is up in heaven saying to herself, “Ooh! I’ve got a challenger here!”

With her blessings, I am allowed to relay to you that though I am not a hoarder of toilet paper, I am a worrywart when it comes to making sure my family has enough of any and all supplies, and yet I want them to use these items conservatively.

Which is the flaw in my logic, according to my wife, when it comes to young people.

For instance, there is water. It is a precious commodity to me. Remember, I live with one wife, two daughters and two 16-year-old sons. My one son takes a long shower, like he’s Tarzan filming one of those waterfall scenes where he’s trying to impress Jane.

I can neither afford Tarzan nor a Jane.

And then there is electricity, which, during this stay-in-your-house-all-the-time period of our lives, is being used in every portion of our home.

My thoughts are you should not need to turn on a light during the morning or daytime. You don’t need one light on in the bathroom, let alone the two we have on our wall. At the ages from 16 to 24, my kids should be pretty comfortable with where everything is, and where everything is in our two bathrooms.

I have faith that no messes will be made, so turn off the lights.

I also must put in a good word for our two dogs, Daisy and Huckleberry, who have gone on more walks since March 13 than in the past nine years that we have owned them. It used to be when we reached for leashes, there was much rejoicing. Now, I believe they are working on a plan to hide the leashes, or simply to hide themselves.

Then there is toilet paper.

Because I was raised by a full-blooded Italian woman, we always bought certain products every week at the grocery store, items like paper products and cleaning supplies. There is no need to hoard because you should already have more than you need whenever an emergency presents itself.

Still, because I am a worrier to the nth degree, I have tried to time my bathroom breaks to help save TP at home for the family. I try to save it for work, or on my way home from work, or going to work. Let me tell you something, and I’m not looking for a free fountain drink here, but I think Sheetz has some of the cleanest bathrooms around.

So stay safe, follow the rules and remember, if you see me out and about, don’t judge me. I’m either grocery shopping, banking or looking for a Sheetz.

Mirror Sports Writer/Copy Editor Scott Franco writes a monthly column.


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