Trending
Because it is my nature to worry -- my mother taught me well -- about everything and anything, I recently realized, with my 54th birthday approaching in a few weeks, that there was something amiss in my life.
I need to find someone for my wife, Ann Marie, should I leave this planet before she does.
Who am I kidding? I know my exit will come first because of my ability to stress out over everything, which right now includes the ninth grade social at Hollidaysburg in a few weeks, of which I am the chairman.
Do you know how much bottled water 275 teenagers can drink in a three-hour span? It's nuts.
But first things first: My wife's potential future companion.
Now, I realize that Ann Marie cannot remarry again. You see, we have an agreement that we are only allowed to date and not get married should one of us get to heaven first.
Actually, she told me she wouldn't even do that, which is flattering, but it makes me feel sad because my guess is that I would date. There are a lot of women out there who still find me both safe and adorable.
My mother used to tell me that if she had gone first, she believed my dad would have been remarried within two years because he didn't want to be lonely. So let's just say that I inherited that trait from my father.
It's just that I worry about Ann Marie. On the weekends when I am working, and our kids are out doing something, she is all by herself, and I can't figure how she can stand all that quiet time.
I tell her to put in old family videos of us when the kids were little, but then she points out that defeats the whole purpose of quiet time.
Anyway, the new guy needs to have a quiet nature about him. She has been married to a very loud guy for almost 25 years, and I think it would do her good to find her "quiet man," which is perfect because that's the name of her favorite John Wayne movie.
You know how loud I am? I once screamed during a Dolphins game so loudly that it made someone have an accident while sitting on our new couch … the dog, not me!
You know what else would be nice? If the guy she ended up with loved to watch Hallmark Channel movies -- every day of the year, which is good because there are more than 365 of them out there, and there are more coming.
Ann Marie has always been a good sport when it comes to films because she watches action movies and monster movies with me all the time, never complaining. In fact, she has never once gotten jealous over my man-crush on Gerard Butler, who would probably make me faint if we ever met. He's just so awesome.
I also want the new guy to like horses, which she does a lot. I don't hate horses, but my interest in them only surfaces around this time of the year when the chase begins for the Triple Crown.
I like dogs and cats. You can't have a horse lay on your lap, or next to you in bed while you're sleeping. I mean, you can if you're in a "Godfather" movie, but that never really ends up well.
And lastly, he has to like all four of my kids. I mean, I love them. Don't get me wrong, but that ability has taken me 20-plus years to achieve, and no one can expect a guy who has to replace me to be able to pull that off at the same time. Let's just hope for like (not love) and hope for tolerance.
If he can tolerate my kids and my legacy, then maybe Ann Marie will invite him over on a first date, where they can watch an equine love story on television while my kids sit in the next room arguing -- quietly -- over how much they don't like the new guy.
Scott Franco writes a monthly column for the Mirror.