PITTSBURGH - Aunt Veronica has made the Chex Mix. The refrigerator is stocked with Olde Frothingslosh. The nut rolls are sliced, and there's homemade horseradish for the kielbasa.
Let's get this party started, and that means music.
Gather 'round and sing the holiday songs, loudly and proudly.
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The Pirates fired manager John Russell after three quiet seasons. Now the Baltimore Orioles' third base coach.
(To the tune of "Silent Night")
Silent John,
Stone-faced John.
Never moved.
Now he's gone.
Never yelled,
Or kicked dirt on an ump.
Just sat there,
Was a black and gold lump.
Now he's in Baltimore.
The Pirates showed him the door.
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Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger got a four-game suspension from the NFL for his behavior in a Georgia college town in March.
(To the tune of "O Little Town of Bethlehem")
O Little Town of Milledgeville,
Your bars, they are so cheap.
Our quarterback was cruising them,
Behaving like a creep (Allegedly).
He wore his devil t-shirt,
His posse with him, too.
He bought some shots
For college girls.
We know that much is true.
Then someone heard a ruckus
And wondered what went down.
The TV trucks, they all set up,
In your little town.
O Little town of Milledgeville,
You're out there in the sticks.
But thanks to you,
Ben now stays home.
He signed up for Netflix.
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The Civic Arena hosted its last events and sits idle, replaced by the Consol Energy Center.
(To the tune of "My Favorite Things")
Shiny and silver,
They called it The Igloo.
Now it's just run down,
All moldy and mildewed.
Leaky roof now
Where Lemieux was the king,
This is a Pittsburgh
Obsolete thing.
Forbes Field was knocked down,
Three Rivers went "Boom."
Dusted Pitt Stadium,
Needed the room.
Time flies right by
And so now you can sing,
We have another
Obsolete thing.
Had the circus.
And the Beatles.
Lots of tickets bought.
But now it's a waste and we want to turn it
Into a parking lot.
Mehno can be reached at johnmehnocolumn@gmail.com.
