Dark days
For families who have lost loved ones, holiday joy can be lost in grief and sadnessBy Wendy Zook, wzook@altoonamirror.com
Article Photos
Fact Box
Helping others cope
Mental Health America, www.nmha.org, recommends the
following ways to help someone through the grieving process:
* Share the sorrow by encouraging them to talk about their feelings and share memories.
* Don't offer false comfort by saying things like "It was for the best" or "You'll get over it in time."
* Offer practical help by baby-sitting, cooking and running errands.
* Be patient, as it can take a long time to recover from a major loss.
* Encourage professional help when someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.
From her driveway in Martinsburg, Audrey Hite can see the Christmas tree she and her husband, Jack, have planted at their son's grave.
"The Friday after Thanksgiving, we always got a tree together," she said, reminiscing about her 41-year-old son Johnny's contribution to their home and the neighborhood. "He's in heaven, selling raffle tickets for the Martinsburg Volunteer Fire Company."
Johnny Hite died in early January nine days after being injured in a car crash. On the day of his funeral, Johnny was given a firefighter's tribute by local fire companies right past his Blair Street home.
Holidays are particularly hard for the family, Audrey Hite said. Both Johnny and his older brother were born on Valentine's Day. A new member of the family has a birthday on St. Patrick's Day. And then there is Christmas.
"We decorated a lot less this year," she said. "This year, we decided to just not do any more because Johnny's not here. When I go to set the table at night, I get three plates out. I've done it so many times. I have to put one back in the cabinet."
"It's funny," Jack Hite said. "It's the little things [that remind them of him]. Taking the garbage out, shoveling the snow. He used to do that. And of course, every time the fire whistle blows."
Patricia Loder is executive director of The Compassionate Friends, a national self-help organization based in Illinois that is for families that have suffered the death of a child. She said she understands the situation well, having lost two of her own children.
"Well-meaning friends and family have to realize that the holidays are difficult enough for parents who have lost a child without making them feel you're judging them," Loder said.
"Life for them has changed and it will never be the same," he said.
Phrases like "Don't spoil it for everyone else," "I know just how you feel" and "It's time to put this all behind you" are inappropriate things to say to grieving family members, Loder said.
Karen Gerholt's family is focusing on keeping the holidays joyful for her three young children, her aunt Marilyn Replogle said. Gerholt was shot and killed in November 2008 at an Everett-area restaurant where she was employed. A trial in that case will likely be held early next year. Karen's father and stepmother have custody of the children.
"When you lose a loved one, the holidays are just not the same," said Replogle, whose daughter died 10 years ago. "I know that Karen would want her children to be happy. I know that Karen's parents did all that they could so that the children have a normal Christmas even though none of their lives would ever be normal again."
Denis Navarro, a clinical psychologist at Altoona Regional Health System, said holidays are sometimes the most difficult time of year for a family to deal with grief.
"Holidays are a time when family gathers, family remembers, family shares things and when someone's missing, that's just really tough because it increases the impact of 'Guess who isn't here?'" Navarro said.
This is the first Christmas for Erin Buksa of Chambersburg to celebrate without her younger cousin Gabby Frick, 17, of Roaring Spring, who died last month from unexpected heart failure.
Buksa said the two would get together at her home in Chambersburg to celebrate New Year's Eve.
"She and I went out to eat and got ready to go to different events we were invited to together for the New Year," Buksa, 21, said. "We had so much fun just sharing stories about our lives and giving each other advice on being girls. During the holidays, I would always get excited to see Gabby. This year is going to be really different without Gabby being around."
For the third year in a row, the First United Methodist Church in Hollidaysburg is holding its annual Light in the Darkness service at 3 p.m. today. The service includes music, a message and candle lighting and lifts up a message of hope around the shortest, and therefore, darkest day of the year, Pastor Brinton Shafer said.
About 30 people usually attend the special service used to help deal with any kind of loss.
"It's been helpful for them," Shafer said. "It has been very comforting."
Dealing with a loss at this time of year can be especially difficult, Shafer said.
"It's because so many of our Christmas memories particularly are associated with our loved ones," he said. "If a loved one is not there, then all of those memories associated with Christmas are affected by that loss."
It's important not to celebrate alone any more than is necessary, Shafer said.
"Loneliness is very difficult, especially at Christmas. I would suggest that they create some special gift or some special decoration that honors their loved one so that they make room in their celebration for that loved one."
Losing her cousin this year has made Buksa more appreciative of the time she has with family.
"Try to make the holidays as joyous an occasion as possible, since God has blessed each of us in so many ways," she said. "Another big thing that helps during this difficult time is to talk with people that you love and share happy memories of the past with one another."
It's important to remember the true meaning of Christmas, Buksa said, and to remember that a deceased loved one likely wouldn't want you be sad for the holiday season.
"If anything, your loved one would want you to still enjoy your life until you two meet again," she said.
For Replogle, focusing on the religious aspects of Christmas helps her through dark moments.
"No matter how much we hurt, there are always others who are suffering, too," she said. "Love one another."
Audrey Hite said she finds comfort in the hundreds of sympathy and get-well cards the family received after the car crash. She keeps them in Tupperware boxes and re-reads them when she gets the chance.
"We get to the point where we just take it day by day," she said.
Mirror Staff Writer Wendy Zook is at 946-7520.
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CharlieVarrick
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12-21-09 8:58 AM
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We don't know how lucky we are until we walk in another person's shoes that is going through turmoil. I hope I never have to bury a child. One can't make deals with the Lord but I do pray if anyone is to go in my family, it's me first. God bless the Hite's and all the others who have lost loved ones like this.
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RobFan530
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12-20-09 4:56 PM
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May God Bless you. No one should have to go through what you are going through. Have a Merry Christmas and may your loved one be looking down on you always. Hugs.
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DRILLMAMMA
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12-20-09 3:22 PM
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A nice hug will do. Heres yours.
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mocus1
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12-20-09 2:09 PM
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So when liberals lecture us to "move on", "get over it, you lost", and "quit living in the past", they're being horribly inappropriate? You're right, they are! Thanks Mirror for confirming that for us.
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