PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers unveiled their new Super Bowl rings last week, and sunglasses were required for the event.
The new rings are a quarter pound of diamonds and gold so big they may not clear security at most airports. If Tiffany made brass knuckles, this is what they'd look like.
It's a cross between a paperweight and the knocker that was on the Munsters' front door.
Listen, you win your sixth Super Bowl, you certainly have the right to celebrate.
But only five people who got the rings have been on the Steelers' payroll for all six of the championships.
That includes erstwhile chairman Dan Rooney, who probably won't get much wear out of a ring that looks like a doorknob. After all, he's been chosen to be the ambassador to Ireland, not the Pope.
Most of the other recipients have been around for two of the titles, and perhaps that should have been the guideline for proportion on the ring design.
Ben Roethlisberger is a wonderful quarterback, but he wasn't even born when the Steelers won the first four Super Bowls.
Maybe the bigger point is this kind of flash isn't exactly the Steelers' style.
There's a legendary story that after Super Bowl IX, franchise founder Art Rooney overheard the receptionist answering the phone, "World champion Steelers."
He told her to go back to just saying, "Steelers," reasoning that everybody knew they'd won the Super Bowl. They didn't need to brag.
So now a franchise that likes to low-key things is sporting a ring so ostentatious that it looks like Mr. T designed it?
It just doesn't fit.
Could you ever imagine Jack Lambert wearing a ring that could do double duty as a Christmas tree topper?
Most of these things won't be worn very often. Players tend to stash them away for safekeeping.
That will work in this case. These rings are museum pieces more than practical jewelry.
Never underestimate the Pirates' ability to do something dumb or cheap, but the reaction to their selection of catcher Tony Sanchez on the first round of last week's draft was crazy.
People were immediately screaming, "Why didn't they draft [whomever]?" inserting the name of a player most of them couldn't identify in a police lineup, much less accurately scout.
Funny, just a week earlier, some of the same people were outraged that the Pirates had traded one of their best players, Nate McLouth.
It's probably worth noting that McLouth was a 25th round draft pick in 2000 and it's doubtful his selection on draft day generated any buzz outside of his parents' living room.
Mehno can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. His weblog is at altoonamirror.com