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Hosting friends or family

By Jimmy Mincin
With the holidays around the corner, you might be dreading the thought of relatives spending the night at your house. Don’t feel guilty — you’re not alone. Hotels.com, an online hotel reservation service based in Dallas, says that today’s adults are not as inclined to roll out the holiday welcome mat for visiting distant relatives.

According to the Web site’s second annual Hospitality@home survey, 87 percent of Americans prefer their relatives to stay in a hotel rather than in their home.

Evelyn Madison, a licensed clinical social worker at Altoona Regional Health System, Altoona Hospital Campus, understands why. Having taught a stress-management class at Altoona Hospital for four years, she knows about coping with nerve-shattering holiday visits.

“You have to do a really honest self-evaluation — knowing who you are and what you’re comfortable with,” Madison, 55, said. “Some people can handle chaos; some people want things very orderly all the time. You have to have a sense of your tolerance for certain things.”

The success of an overnight visit often comes down to understanding your role as a host, she said.

“If I expect that as a good host I will always be there with my guests and be entertaining them and feeding them 24 hours, seven days a week, that can be stressful to me,” she said.

Setting boundaries also is important in preparing for a holiday visit, Madison said. This means saying out loud what often goes unspoken.

“Tell them what’s OK and what’s not OK,” she said. “For example, ‘Please don’t go in that room’ or ‘Don’t smoke in the house.’ Some things are taken for granted by people that are not OK with others. By not saying something it sends the message that it is OK. This causes irritation which causes stress.”

Since 1994, Kathleen Crilly has been teaching the fine art of social etiquette.

Running her own home-based business, the Kathleen Crilly School of Etiquette in Alexandria, she imparts her knowledge of social skills to people of all ages and walks of life.

Given her realm of expertise, it’s not surprising she had a few nuggets of wisdom about house guest tolerance during holidays.

“Preparation is the most important thing,” she said. “Think ahead about foods they can prepare for themselves, where they will be sleeping, how much space they’ll need, and what your schedule will be. By discussing things ahead of time, we can avoid conflicts that might spiral out of control later.”

Though Crilly doesn’t deny the joy of spending quality holiday time with relatives, she said that hosting can undermine the merriment.

“Holidays are often the times when we have the least energy and the least opportunity to do everything we want to do or need to do as a gracious host,” she said. “We want to spend time with friends and family, but the time can be so much more enjoyable when we’re not stressed by the demands of overnight hosting.”

So if you’re still feeling guilt pangs over making that hotel reservation, Crilly recommends you let it go.

“The possibility of a happy holiday is increased when a visiting family stays at a hotel,” she said. “There’s nothing negative about that. We shouldn’t hang onto things that aren’t in the best interest of ourselves and our loved ones.”

Mirror Staff Writer Jimmy Mincin is at 946-7460