I'll fight you, Chris Brown

I would fight Chris Brown. Seriously, I would get into a physical altercation with that poor excuse for a man if ever I had the chance. And, for me to say I would not only willingly throw down in fisticuffs with someone but would actually savor doing so is a very, very abnormal thing for me to express.

You see, last weekend my Dad came to visit me, and we were hanging out talking about random things when the subject touched on fist fights, for whatever reason. Neither of us has ever been in one. I punched a kid in the grill one day back in like eighth grade because he mischievously copped my new pair of Iversons and was running around my friend’s yard with them on his prancy Chris Brownesque feet (you don’t wear a brand new pair of basketball shoes in the grass, come on), so I socked him. But, never an actual fight, and I told my Dad I didn’t intend to really ever get in one.

“I guess I just don’t see the point,” I said. I am not a violent person. I don’t hit unless it’s an open-palmed slap on one of my friends when they’re holding hands with a girl who isn’t officially his girlfriend (long story).

But I flipped my script pretty quickly yesterday. I’ve decided, against my will, that I just really, really want to punch Chris Brown in the mouth, and numerous times, too.

I can’t be alone in this. Did you all see/read/hear about what he did just yesterday? He was a guest on “Good Morning America” (for reasons only Professor Dumbledore or Noam Chomsky could probably explain to me in a way that would make me believe it was a good call), and he did an interview during which he answered a set of questions he had previously approved. Naturally, one of these questions was about Rihanna, who, if you weren’t aware, he beat the freaking heck – not allowed to swear on the Mirror’s website, I don’t think – out of not so long ago. It’s a felony assault case, actually.

He responded: “It’s not really a big deal to me now as far as that situation. I think I’m past that in my life. I think today’s the album day so that’s what I’m focused on. Everybody go get that album.”

(FYI: Brown released an album, called F.A.M.E. this week. Much to my chagrin, it is at No. 1 on iTunes right now, but I’m hoping it’s only because his single features Justin Bieber, who could pretty much be recorded with Auto-tune burping the ABC’s and it would top the international charts in less than seven hours. But, if you’re looking to purchase some music this week, may I suggest “Angles,” The Strokes new album? It’s breathing down Brown’s neck at No. 2, and those dudes never beat any ladies.)

It gets better/worse. Not only did Brown say it wasn’t “really a big deal” to him now that he did THIS to a lady, but, after the interview he went into his dressing room, where he threw a hissy-fit and broke a window. Then, on his way out of the studio, he for some reason proceeded to take his shirt off. I had to include that bit of information, because it is just so completely absurd. I would expect my friend Ferg to break a window then rip his shirt off when he’d been drinking more than I’d expect an R&B artist to try and get an upper-body tan on the set of “Good Morning America.”

There are like three things I really make it a point not to do: I don’t murder, dance or beat women. Brown does two of the three (that I know about, though I don’t doubt he’d murder someone if they made fun of the stupid angel wing tattoos he has on his pectorals), but the only one I have a problem with is the woman beating thing.

Now, I won’t say I understand his reasoning for doing this, but I do understand that maybe a person who makes a mistake like that shouldn’t be constantly chastised for it for the rest of their lives if they meet certain requirements. One of them would, I think self-explanatorily, be to express remorse anytime someone asks you about it. Acknowledge that you were a complete idiot. Nobody is going to forgive you or forget about it unless you say you’re sorry, and woman-beating isn’t one of those things where you say sorry once and it’s all OK. You did a little bit more than spill milk on the kitchen floor, Topher, you stupid, stupid, ignorant and arrogant wimp.

I hate you, Chris Brown. I don’t even know you personally, and I hate your guts. You suck, even if you did have a cameo on "Tosh.0."

You probably won’t read this, but: Next time you’re near coastal Maryland, look me up. I would like to fight you. Don’t you think it’s time for you to pick on something your own size and gender that actually has a pulse? Come and find me, man. You can take your anger out on me.

Well, as long as you’re not distracted by a girl or an inanimate object on the way.