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A twist with in-laws
December 17, 2010 - Scott Muska
A reporter in Altoona, Pa. is thankful this holiday season that he doesn't have any crazy, drunken in-laws.
He's actually ecstatic, too, about the fact that his nipples will almost definitely not be twisted to the point of separation from the rest of his body at any time in the next week, unless he becomes subject to a bizarre and unforseen sequence of events.
Sunday morning at about 3 a.m. in a Las Cruces, N.M. apartment, a 30-year-old alleged victim was not as lucky.
Police said the woman's 44-year-old mother-in-law ripped her nipple clean off during a booze-induced altercation. The daughter-in-law was apparently trying to break up a verbal rumble between her husband, the mother-in-law's son (I know it's tough without names, but try and keep up), because it was becoming "very intense."
Police didn't say where at in the apartment the altercation took place, but if it was in the kitchen there's a pretty good chance that somebody, somewhere has said something to the effect of the daughter-in-law not being able to stand the heat, and suggesting that maybe she should have gotten out of the kitchen. You know, before she got a nipple-dislodging.
The mother-in-law allegedly grabbed the victim's right breast and began to squeeze and pull on her nipple, according to police. The victim had to deck the lady in the face to bring the purple nurple -- a hand-to-nipple combat move most commonly used by adolescent boys -- to a stop.
The victim said that soon after she kicked the older woman out of the house she discovered fluid in her breast, and her nipple fell to the ground when she lifted her shirt. She did not have a heart attack when she discovered that her nipple was no longer an attached body part.
The nipple was reattached Sunday, and the victim said she would opt not to press charges. However, prosecutors executed a Shyamalanesque twist (see what I did there?) and said they may possibly hit the nipple-ripper with a count of felony aggravated battery against a household member.