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Giving gifts to those who need it — celebrities

December 17, 2010 - Keith Frederick
Happy holidays, everyone!

I’m full of the Christ­mas spirit — and an extraordinary amount of eggnog — so I’m going to play Santa Claus this week. Instead of giving to those less fortunate, though, we’re going to be handing out some much needed holiday cheer to those in the entertainment industry.

Because if anyone needs more toys, it’s celebrities.

Let’s see what Jolly Old St. Nick has in his bag:

For Kanye West ... some humility. Kanye is, like him or not, an incredible musician who keeps getting better with each new album. If you doubt his ability, just ask him. And that’s the problem. West’s ego makes Kim Jong Il look restrained.

For Ke$ha ... a Target gift card. Or anywhere else she’d like to shop, really. But it’s obvious she needs clothes — just look at her videos and publicity photos. For the love of God, woman, will you just put on some pants?!

For The Black Eyed Peas ... a hiatus. For the sanity of everyone over the age of 20, you guys need to take a break. Please stop making terrible songs that never leave the radio. Please?

For Bruno Mars, B.o.B., Travie McCoy, Taio Cruz ... long careers. Guys like this are the future of hip-hop — ambitious, good writers with diverse production and great hooks. And it’s none too soon. Aren’t we all a bit sick of booty songs?

For Justin Bieber ... a good accountant. Save your money, man. Because in five years, you’re really going to need it.

For Miley Cyrus ... an intervention. Someone needs to step in. I don’t think Miley’s all that talented, but the poor girl is following the Lindsay Lohan “How to Ruin Your Life” guide, step by tragic step. Billy Ray, you need to help her out before she achy breaks your heart, dude.

For Angelina Jolie ... a new agent. Angie, I love ya, but you need to be choosier with your scripts. Let’s face facts: The Oscar nomination for “Change­ling” was a gift. You haven’t been in a good movie since “A Mighty Heart” in 2007, and you haven’t been in a film that was fun to watch since “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” in 2005.

While we’re at it, can we get new agents for Reese Wither­spoon, Robert DeNiro, Harrison Ford, Anna Faris and Halle Berry, too?

For Tyler Perry ... retirement. You have enough money by now, Tyler. Stop making us all think the worst of black people.

For comic book fans ... quality films in 2011. The coming year has a lot of “boom or bust” potential for comic adaptations. Summer brings “Thor,” “X-Men: First Class,” “Green Lantern,” “Captain America: The First Avenger” and “Conan the Barbarian.” If just a handful of those turn out well, we comic geeks will be thrilled.

For the Muppets ... renewed popularity. The latest film from Jim Henson’s creations (written by “How I Met Your Mother” star Jason Segel and his writing partner) will be released next November, so this should signal a rebirth for Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo and all the rest. And it’s about time.

For “Saturday Night Live” ... someone to say “No.” I love Seth Meyers, head writer of “SNL,” but he has to be the one saying no to terrible recurring sketches like the “What’s Up With That?” talk show, the Italian talk show guy and pretty much anything Kristen Wiig does more than once.

For “The Big Bang Theory” ... a slew of Emmy Awards. Honestly, “Big Bang” is far more than Jim Parsons as Sheldon. It’s the best comedy on TV, with the best cast, and they all deserve recognition.

For all my readers ... a happy, healthy holiday and a great 2011.

Mirror Staff Writer Keith Frederick’s column appears monthly in Go. He can be reached at 946-7466 or by e-mail at kfrederick@

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Please. Just get some pants. For the children.