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Money and mulch: One and the same

The Sunday Column

Over the past several centuries, man has used many different forms of bartering for goods. At one time we traded goods directly, such as three small chickens equaled one large rabbit and 10 large rabbits equaled one small pig.

Things got more complicated as trading advanced and someone offered 36 rabbits in exchange for two small pigs but also wanted two small chickens as change. It was obvious a simpler system had to be developed.

For years, man traded fancy beads, seashells, furs and shiny bits of precious metals in exchange for goods. This system progressed nicely until finally the standard became money in both metal and paper form.

I share with you this snippet of social history because I am considering suggesting a proposed change to our monetary system.

Our home has extensive landscaping and flower gardens, all due to my wife’s creativity and hard work.

However, like anything else, it requires work and upkeep.

That means that every spring it needs a fresh coat of mulch. Sounds simple enough until you understand that each spring, I need to haul in 10 trailer loads of mulch to get the job done.

That might not seem too bad until you understand that my trailer is 5 foot by 10 foot with 2 foot sides. That’s a lot of mulch.

When it comes to gardening and landscaping, unlike wind, rain and sunshine, mulch is not only not free, it is darn expensive.

Just like Christmas when I must, against my will, drag the lights out of the attic, each spring I need to haul and spread mulch. Each spring I dust off my best “mulch arguments” with as much success as I have arguing against Christmas decorations over the past 56 years.

Luckily I am old and wise enough and have been married long enough to know that I cannot win the “let’s don’t mulch this year” argument, so I am now lobbying for buying a cheaper grade of mulch.

Each year, when I bring the first load of mulch home, my wife inspects it as thoroughly as a federal food inspector checking for the proper balance of nutritional value in a spread of nachos, chicken wings and beef jerky at a tailgate party. She checks for size of particles, color and consistency where my major concern is normally pretty basic — how much does it cost?

Unfortunately, my wife uses logic against me, which is hard to beat. It cost the same to haul good mulch as it does bad mulch, and it takes an equal amount of work to put it down.

The only real difference is the cost per scoop. If the mulch that costs a little more looks better and does a better job of dressing up the landscaping, it is worth the extra cost, according to her.

I hate it when she is right, but it doesn’t stop me from trying. So, as soon as I finish this column, I am heading out, check in hand, for another load of mulch. The question is, do I go to the landscape center or the bank?

As the purpose of mulch is to offset the landscaping and prevent weed growth, I was wondering if I could use money instead. Just think about it for a moment. If, instead of buying mulch, which somehow seems to disappear by next spring, I would spread coins, it might serve the same purpose. The coins would offset the landscaping, prevent weed growth and because I can get dimes, quarters and half dollars, I can mix or match the consistency desired and the color would be uniform, plus the coins would not rot away and need to be replaced next year.

If that doesn’t work, I am pretty sure I will run out of money for mulch before I run out of the need for mulch, so l wonder if mulch might become the new money. How much mulch do I need to trade for a rabbit and two chickens?

One thing is for sure, I will probably need a trailer load if I want a small pig.

John Kasun writes from his home in Duncansville. Look for the house with the truck and trailer full of mulch parked in the yard. He will gladly trade two buckets of mulch for a cold glass of lemonade and a hot dog.

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