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Just remember, they are all true

The Sunday Column

Although many of you know my writing from this column that appears monthly in the Mirror, I write for several state, national and international publications as well on a variety of subjects including business, finance, outdoor recreation, hunting and fishing, to name just a few.

The interesting part of being a writer is trying to visualize what actually happens to your work when complete because unlike a live performance, you never actually see your audience, the reader.

I pretty much know what happens on my end. In my mind, I see myself writing with a feathered pen and ink by the light of a flickering candle while my wife peers out the window at the old church steeple struggling to see if one light or two peers back from the darkness.

If you remember, for Paul Revere, one light meant the British were coming by land, and two meant they were coming by sea. In my case, one light means my column is due, and two means it’s late!

Writing hinges on having an idea to write about, and again drawing from history, one of Shakespeare’s famous lines come to mind. It is a line from King Richard III when King Richard calls out from the battlefield, “A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse,” as his horse lies mortally wounded at his feet.

I often find myself in that same situation as a deadline looms, and I do not have an idea with which to develop a column or story. I often say to my wife, Sandy, “Do something, anything I can write about, as so much of what I write about has its roots in real life happenings.”

To the reader, the job of being a writer may seem glamorous, but they only look at the money and the sex. They do not see the nightly struggle to communicate with the reader who I seldom meet. That is why I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to introduce yourselves and let me know you read the column when our paths cross in public. Thank God! For the longest time, I thought all of my hard work ended up at the bottom of a bird cage occupied by an oversized parrot with an eye patch and one leg, or worse yet, as a wrapping for a fish that was left in the freezer too long.

For those of you I have met and spoken to, you may remember what I said as we parted, “Remember, all my stories are true.” While they may not all be exactly true to the letter of the law, they all were given birth to as some part of a real life experience. I have often been asked where I get the ideas for the column, and although hard to believe all I have to do is listen and pay attention. The ideas are everywhere.

For example, this past week the battery in my full-sized truck went dead. The battery was still under warranty, so it made no sense to buy a new battery. I simply removed the battery, took my sales slip and went to the dealer to have them check the battery and give me a new battery, plus any prorated adjustment I needed to make.

Although sounding simple, don’t believe it. When I arrived at the dealership, I showed them my paper work and said I have the defective battery in the trunk of my wife’s car.

The service man asked me, “Where is your truck?” I answered, “It is at home in the garage with a hole under the hood where the dead battery used to live. The same one I brought here to get replaced.”

“We need your truck so we can test the battery with a load on it,” he responded.

I know my eyes must have crossed because in all my years since I traded my horse for a car I never needed to bring my car with a dead battery in for a check.

“Sir,” he continued politely, “Is there any way you can go home and bring the truck back with you?”

At times like this, I always speak slowly and low because I do not really know if I am on “Candid Camera” or just stepped into “The Twilight Zone” or a parallel universe.

“I do not believe so,” I said. “The truck is pretty heavy so I know I will not be able to carry it, and I am pretty sure I will not be able to push it here either. What if I buy a new battery, take it home, install it in the truck and drive it back here so you can remove the good battery, reinstall the bad battery and check it so you are sure it is bad?”

After a short pause he said, “I guess that would work.”

I don’t make this stuff up, no one would believe it. Just remember, they are all true.

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