Beware of sinning a little

Tales from the front pew

Not to brag, but I just came up with my very own Big Bang theory.

It’s not about the way the Universe began (The Bible covers that).

It’s not about the popular comedy series with all the hapless geniuses.

What it is about … is bangs, or fringe as they refer to them in Britain.

I’m something of an expert when it comes to bangs, having worn them off and on since elementary school.

In fact, I even have a semi-traumatic bang memory dating back to fourth grade.

It was a warm late spring day, and our teacher Mrs. Roach (incidentally, one of those people who “look” like their name) had opened a window to let in some fresh air.

As I sat at my desk, head studiously bent over my social studies book, I heard a buzzing sound and felt a sudden weight clinging to my bangs.

It was a large bee. I sat, frozen, while it clung to my hair and literally swung across my forehead, brushing the bridge of my nose with each pass-by.

Understand­ably, my fellow classmates were fascinated –and no doubt grateful for any diversion that took them away from the mystery of the vanishing Roanoke colony — as Mrs. Roach stood calmly by, telling me, “Don’t move, Kim, or you’ll get stung. Just be completely still, and it’ll fly away.”

Easy for her to say. Bee-zilla wasn’t doing a trapeze act over her proboscis. As it turned out, however, she was right. In a few minutes the insect flew off and our class reluctantly returned to Roanoke.

Over the ensuing years, I experimented with different hairstyles but always bounced back to bangs because I liked the way they looked.

The only downside being the fact that they’re difficult to trim. Or, more accurately, trim well.

You see, the bang to forehead ratio is tricky with a very small margin of error. For example, if bangs are too long, they run the risk of making the wearer resemble either an English sheepdog or Cher in the early 1960s. Conversely, if they’re too short, bangs can impart a youthful look; mind you, not one that says, “I’m young and vibrant” but rather “Has anyone seen my blanky? It’s nap time.”

Because of this fine line, I exercise considerable caution when trimming my bangs.

First, I comb them straight down to assess just how much cutting is necessary. Next, I trim the teeniest bit off, taking care to keep them even. After recombing, I ferret out any stragglers that I happened to miss the first time and cut them down to size.

The only problem being that on this second pass I sometimes cut a little too much, necessitating a bit more cutting to even things up. This process is sufficiently subtle that it’s not until a final look in the mirror that I realize I’ve achieved that “youthful” look again.

Sin is a lot like bang-trimming. We start out sinning just a little, then we sin a little more, then even more still, until we eventually and inevitably find ourselves in a hairy situation.

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